day of release festivities.

I had an epiphany last night. and it was by far the most genius notion I have ever had. it was a beautiful, religious experience.

I had fully planned to get totally trashed for my parole, and was making arrangements for a catsitter and/or permanent home for dear saku, in case of acute alcohol poisoning. I mentioned that I'd be getting bombed on the weekend.

a chorus of angels singing. it was beautiful.

there's this thing about me an alcohol. we don't get along. I have too much, and I either puke or pass out. or both. neither of which is conducive to me getting more drunk than I ever have been before. and yet, the previous record of drunkeness by yours truly came by way of demon semen, the unholy concoction known as a jägerbomb. jägermeister and red bull. it gets you fucked up AND hyper. and I've never known anyone to get sick from them, myself included. last time, I had eight jägerbombs, three dead nazis (see below), a shitload of other booze, a hit of nitrous and was feeling great. I was drunk for 36 hours and awake the entire time. it was awesome.

the great thing about jägerbombs is the military feel you get, the camaradie and cadence and carnage and other words beginnign with c. but while that's well and good for normal drunken debauchery, this warrants an added twist. I only plan to get divorced three, maybe four times in my life. and as this is my maiden voyage into divorcehood, it must be EXTRA special. and thus, I have developed a game. the details need to be worked out, which is where you all come in. but the general concept is this:

we bomb england, and the rest of western europe. to oblivion. the third reich will rise again. and it will be good.

I need to recruit a squadron of jägerbombers. I can promise you victory. I can promise you a good time.

the more bombers we have, the better. runs will be conducted every fifteen minutes exactly. I'll need a volunteer to keep close eye on the clock (as we'll be too drunk to synchronise watches), and who can yowl a good air raid siren for up to a minute prior to every strafing run.

I need an artist. I'd like to conscript owen. I need a large cartoonish map of western europe, with targets denoted by silly cartoons and stereotypes. there should be at least ten potential targets, ascending both in difficulty to succeed and absurdity. for instance, bombing the hell out of liverpool and thus negating the demonic influence of the beatles on western culture would be a good start. we're nazis, damn it. and we'll need little stickies of some sort to place over the target after they have been destroyed. the map of carnage should be beautiful. I can picture it all in my head, but couldn't draw it to save my life.

I need medals. lots and lots of medals. these can be little cardboard cutouts, I don't care. the idea is, every bomber gets a medal for each successful mission. this is both a way of keeping score, and for looking cool, especially if we got out afterwards. there will be promotions. each succesful mission will result in a promotion to a new and higher rank. the winner of this game is he or she who completes the most missions, and will be thereby rewarded with title of führer. if anyone has a kaiser helmet to donate for the evening, that would be an awesome reward. also, leather aviator caps would really help with the mood. any prop that would add to the ambience, really.

every bomber will be requires to complete six missions for their tour of duty. additional missions will result in added accolades, promotions and possible sexual rewards. particularly dangerous missions, such as dropping double payloads (downing two bombs on one mission) will also be rewarded accordingly. there are several kinks to be worked out in the scoring system.

speaking in a german accent, while not required, would be quite helpful for the mood. and we must all be really mean to rachael, for she is the enemy. okay, not really. but we can still be mean to bob, 'cos well, he's bob.

an additional twist for this game is to punish the survivors (it'll speed the game along as well). every time one of our comrades in arms falls in battle (ie, pukes, passes out, or just quits because they're a giant pussy), the survivors must drink to their memory with a dead nazi (half jäger, half rumplemintz).

I am willing to bear an immense financial burden to get this to go off without a hitch. I will provide two cases of red bull energy drink, two fifths of jägermeister and a fifth of rumplemintz, if I can assemble a squadron of at least eight bombers. I will require assistance for all of the props and extras I've mentioned, as well as further ideas for punsihments/rewards and tweaking of rules. those who do not want to participate in the drinking can still be a part of the game, playing roles other than german luftwaffe.

we will need innocent victims to represent potential targets. props would be helpful here. we need a winston churchill. I volunteer bob, just because he's such a good bitch for all occasions.

do realise, we WILL rewrite history on that fateful night, and the nazis will prove victorious. this could very well be the greatest party/drinking game EVER. I expect nothing less.

(note: no jews were hurt in the writing of this post.)